An optomist for life

I have always been a happy person.

As a baby my family called me 'Happy Jack'.

As a teenager even though I was overrun with normal teen angst my generally sunny nature always shone through.

As an adult in my first working experiences it was always easier to be happy rather than morose about my working conditions, the office bitch, or unfair work decisions that impacted upon me.

However as a young woman venturing onto the dating scene it was a little more complicated. A whirlwind love affair (that I tried to end many times unsuccessfully) tore into my heart and the pain was indescribable. How I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. And how I kept going back to him - he who was taking so much from me that my heart was bleeding and breaking and I could do nothing to ebb the loss. How I thought a move to another state would dull the pain - stupid heart! Now I can call it a life experience but quite unbelievably the pain still fells so raw that I now chose to block it out.

I met s at this low time in my life and was at my most vulnerable. I quite literally fell into this relationship willingly - it was going to be my saviour. An engagement and marriage followed, I was happy for this to happen. My senses were dulled and I was happy to have someone to look after me and make decisions. My first big decision - eight years later - was to get pregnant. It would seem the decision was made for me - I was pregnant without even trying. When she arrived, my heart started beating again and was lost forever. I threw everything at her, she was my captive audience and I was the actor on the stage. But one happy facet often exposes just how very dark other facets are and the abyss was just too deep for me. It was then that my self-preservation really kicked in, my realisation that my husband was not the person I wanted or needed was heightened at this stage. Insight is a good and bad thing.

My eldest daughter is now seven and a half years old and I have another who is three. My heart belongs to them and my loneliness is all-consuming. My emotional needs have been stomped on and disregarded too many times for me to be able to give anymore to my husband. But my optimism is still alive and well and is now re-emerging ready to embrace life and a love again.