An optomist for life

I have always been a happy person.

As a baby my family called me 'Happy Jack'.

As a teenager even though I was overrun with normal teen angst my generally sunny nature always shone through.

As an adult in my first working experiences it was always easier to be happy rather than morose about my working conditions, the office bitch, or unfair work decisions that impacted upon me.

However as a young woman venturing onto the dating scene it was a little more complicated. A whirlwind love affair (that I tried to end many times unsuccessfully) tore into my heart and the pain was indescribable. How I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. And how I kept going back to him - he who was taking so much from me that my heart was bleeding and breaking and I could do nothing to ebb the loss. How I thought a move to another state would dull the pain - stupid heart! Now I can call it a life experience but quite unbelievably the pain still fells so raw that I now chose to block it out.

I met s at this low time in my life and was at my most vulnerable. I quite literally fell into this relationship willingly - it was going to be my saviour. An engagement and marriage followed, I was happy for this to happen. My senses were dulled and I was happy to have someone to look after me and make decisions. My first big decision - eight years later - was to get pregnant. It would seem the decision was made for me - I was pregnant without even trying. When she arrived, my heart started beating again and was lost forever. I threw everything at her, she was my captive audience and I was the actor on the stage. But one happy facet often exposes just how very dark other facets are and the abyss was just too deep for me. It was then that my self-preservation really kicked in, my realisation that my husband was not the person I wanted or needed was heightened at this stage. Insight is a good and bad thing.

My eldest daughter is now seven and a half years old and I have another who is three. My heart belongs to them and my loneliness is all-consuming. My emotional needs have been stomped on and disregarded too many times for me to be able to give anymore to my husband. But my optimism is still alive and well and is now re-emerging ready to embrace life and a love again.

How to end a marriage

Make him tell his mother...and wait for the fall out.

I assumed that after being away for 2 days and his mother helping him at home, he would have told her...I was very mistaken.

How can one person be so very angry?

How can one be so oblivious to their wife's unhappiness and depressed mood.

How to live with said person in the short term...stay calm, ignore all outbursts, find a place that is quiet and mine.

Have moved all his stuff out of my room now and feel free for the first time since I checked myself into the hospital September 2002.

My mind wanders and feels relieved.

The weight drops off and the smoking starts - whatever gets me through.

Creed

Another tense day with S. My mind is just a whirly-gig in a strong wind at the moment. I cannot shut it off or shut it down even a little. Today I decided to publish my creed - I have been formulating it now for about 3 weeks - no wonder I cannot stop thinking. I have decided that it will be static, shifting and moving, growing, forever fitting around me, supporting me, giving me hope and comfort. They did not take me that long to formulate - every time there is an incident with S, I use my statements like a mantra, silently chanting to myself.

• Be true to myself, do not be afraid of making hard and maybe hurtful decisions
• I am a strong person
• I am a well person
• I believe in myself, my abilities, my desires and my future
• I will be happy to be alone until I meet the person who is unconditionally accepting, loving and supportive of me and I of him
• I deserve happiness
• I will continue to grow beautiful daughters, sure of themselves, confident, compassionate and caring

I don't know how I am going to go in real life - the tears are already pouring down my face. When I read my affirmations I feel sadness that my marriage is not want I wanted or thought it would be 14 years ago. My eyes are burning from tiredness and sheer unhappiness. God, please give me strength - I am feeling so vulnerable right now.

Last night I fell in love....

...with Jeff Buckley. He has been dead over 10 years but watching Amazing Grace last night just really hit a nerve, maybe the nerve. It was like everything he said was as if he was saying it just to me and there was no other audience. It was as if my dreams and musings were being vocalised back at me by him.

Life is too precious to not grab it and run with it. I am going to be more truthful with myself and my feelings and desires. I will no longer just coast along, restless and disjointed. Sad and discontent. Unhappy and not in love. Unfulfilled.

All good things...

...come to those who wait.

My beloved grandmother was a great one for sayings. No matter the subject, the conversation, the gossip or even just the moment, there was always a saying that undoubtedly (and unquestioningly) put everything into perspective.

"...the words swirl in my head constantly, tantalisingly poised, ready to leap onto the pages that I am yet to unfold." I have unfolded the pages in my very own blog.

Will it be interesting? I have no idea. Will it be humourous? Another uncertainty. Will it be cathartic? I hope so. That is my intention. I have never been one to openly share my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my loves, my desires. I am not so much interested in the validations of my readers rather the self realisations that I hope will flow through to me on my musings. But do not be disheartened dear reader for I am one who ponders incessently but somehow still manages to enjoy the mundane while searching for (my) serenity.